Why Codependents Enable Others

One of the questions I get asked the most in my coaching practice is: “Jess, how can I be so independent when I'm single, but the moment I get into a relationship, I become highly codependent?” 

First, let me reassure you that two things can be true at the same time. 

You can be a badass, single, autonomous independent human; and you can also fall into codependent and enabling patterns when in relation with someone else. 

Let's break it down: 

Codependency is a pattern of losing yourself in other people’s needs, emotions, or problems. It often looks like over-giving, rescuing, or putting everyone else first while ignoring your own boundaries, desires, and well-being. At its core, codependency is a survival strategy; a way of staying safe and connected in relationships by managing or controlling the other person’s world. 

The cost, though, is disconnection from yourself and your identity. 

We don’t wake up one day and decide to be codependent; it’s something we learn. Codependency usually develops in childhood when love, safety, or belonging felt conditional. Maybe you had a parent who was unpredictable, critical, or emotionally unavailable. Maybe you were praised for being “the good kid” who never caused trouble. Maybe you felt responsible for keeping the peace in the family or protecting someone you loved. 

In those environments, your nervous system learns: “If I take care of everyone else, I’ll be safe. If I ignore myself, I won’t be abandoned.” That survival strategy works in childhood; but as adults, it keeps us stuck in relationships where we over-function, self-abandon, or mistake control for care.

So, codependency isn’t a character defect; it’s an adaptation to your environment. It’s what your younger self had to do to belong.

So why do these autonomous, powerhouse, single individuals end up enabling in their relationships? 

Because deep down, it feels safer to manage someone else’s chaos than to face the fear of losing them. By fixing, rescuing, or smoothing things over, we temporarily reduce our own anxiety. But the cost is that we keep the other person stuck, and we lose ourselves in the process.

To keep things simple, codependency can be summarized in one sentence: 

Doing for others what they can do for themselves. 

Just for today, ask yourself: "Am I helping this person out of true care and with no strings attached? Or, am I looking for a specific outcome or need to be met if they do what I want them to do?" 

One of the hardest skills I've ever had to practice is loving detachment. Stepping back from the problems and behaviours of others, and learning to regulate my nervous system whether I am getting the outcome I want (or not). 

Please remember, people don't change because you force them to. We can support, guide, and lead by example; but I can guarantee if you push, coerce, or beg someone to change for you, you are in for a long road of resentment and disappointment when they don't stick to their promises.  

True change has to come from within; the person needs to want it more than you want it for them. 

With love, care, and empowerment, 

Jess